from now on my penis is your penis
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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