Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
