Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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