After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
