he puts the penis in happiness.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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