I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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