Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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