just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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