he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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