My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
