it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
