Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
