i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
