All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
