Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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