I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The best revenge is premature balding
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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