somebody snuck up and got me drunk
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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