Sponge bath it is.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
