I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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