I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
God, I missed his penis.
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