Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
