Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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