Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
