took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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