There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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