mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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