the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
