Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
