he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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