i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
