dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
