Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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