try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You can't just leave with hair like that
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
