i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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