I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
