My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
