i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
