You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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