hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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