I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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