Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
