I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
