My room smells like vodka and shame
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
