Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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