either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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