I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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