Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
