he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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