Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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