Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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