Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
