u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
