i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
