i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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