I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
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He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
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"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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