I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Randomize
