my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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