I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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