OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I think i got beer on your cat.
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