pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
